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THE IRON ANN. 



M' (ARTHUR GRAHAME and ADELAIDE ST. CLARE) 



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THE IRON ANN 



THE IRON ANN 



A FARCE IN ONE ACT 



By 

ARTHUR GrRAHAME and 

ADELAIDE ST. CLARE 



Copyright, 1911, by Samuel French, Ltd. 



New York: 

SAMUEL FRENCH, 

Publisher, 

2K-30 WEST 38th STREET 



London : 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd.. 

Publishers. 

26 SOUTHAMPTON STREET, 

STRAND. 






©CI.D 28180 



CHARACTERS 

Andrew Duffy 1 newly married man, young, im- 
pulsive. 

Rose His wife, pettish, spoilt. 

Amelia Habbijam. . .His Godmother, an elderly spinster, 
fussy, precise. 

Jimmy The Black Buttons, — a promising youth. 

The Iron Ann A mechanical domestic. An iron 

machine with immovable counte- 
nance, stiff limbs, grim month, 
{a male part). 



COSTUMES 

Andrew Sz Rose. — Modern afternoon toilet. 

Aunt Amelia.— Silk dress with kerchief, apron, black 
mittens, false curls attached to a flat lace cap. 

Jimmy.— Pagers cotton jacket, white tie, etc. 

The Iron Ann. — Cotton dress, cooking apron, with direc- 
tions for use printed upon the bib, large cap with bow, key 
for winding the machine hanging round its neck. For first 
appearance the " Iron Ann " must be tied up in brown paper 
leaving the feet free to stand upon, and labelled — " This 
side up with care." 

Note. A coffee grinder or some other noisy machine 
must be used behind the scene when the " Ann " is being 
wound. 



DIRECTIONS FOR USE 

(To be pinned to the bib of Ann's Apron.) 

Wind the Iron Ann under the left arm, the last thing at 
night, then lay her in a cool dry place, covering from dust or 
damp : she will resume her duties at six o'clock the following 
morning. 

If, immediate action is required, shake the Ann gently but 
firmly. 

ADVERTISEMENT IN NEWSPAPER 

The Iron Ann. A mechanical Domestic. The most mar- 
vellous invention of the age. Wonderful success in America 
and the Colonies. Saves ^60 per annum in wages and food. 
When once set in motion this economical servant will per- 
form a day's work without wages, temper, beef, or beer. The 
Iron Ann has never been known to indulge, requires no 
Sundays out, no Xmas boxes, no bank holiday; and, above 
all, has no followers. Her appearance is prepossessing, 
being at once amiable yet dignified. We advise all newly 
married couples to make their purchase at once, and thereby 
avoid those domestic jars which too often undermine the 
peace and happiness of an earthly Paradise. Price 75 
guineas. 

Sauce and Stuffing, Sole Agents, 

London, E.C. 



THE IRON ANN 

Scene. — A Sitting Room in Andrew Duffy's Flat. — 
(Aunt Amelia discovered seated at the Piano (r) 
with back to the audience, playing old-fashioned airs.) 

Enter Rose. (l. crying sinks into a chair l.c. and 
sobs). 

Aunt (rushing to Rose). My sweetest Rose, my 
precious Rosebud, what is it ? Tell your Auntie the 
trouble. 

Rose (sobbing). I can-can-can't. 

Aunt. What, not confide in your husband's god- 
mother, who gave him his first spoon, and rubbed 
his gums when the toosey pegs were coming ? 

Rose (through her tears). He told me I was his 
first spoo-oo-oon, but you never can be-lieve a man. 

Aunt. My dear child, I never did believe one ; 
but come, come, dry your eyes, he will be home in a 
few minutes, and how red your rose will be. (Aside). 
Such as it is. 

Rose. I don't care if it is. Everything goes 
wrong. We expected life to be all couleur de rose 
and 

Aunt. Well, if you prefer it that colour, my dear, 
of course I shall not argue the point. 

Rose. What point ? there is no point. (Sobs.) 

Aunt. Snub, then, if you must have it so, Rose ; 
remember, however, that I did not choose that de- 
signation, for yours has a very straight tip. (Aside.) 
No-no, did I say straight tip, I seem to have heard 
the remark somewhere. (Aloud.) Tell me at once, 
dearest, what is the grievance. (Aside.) Dear ! 



8 THE IRON ANN. 

dear ! dear ! Here's a state of things ; I ought to 
have come in a waterproof. 

Rose. I wish I had never married a flat. 

Aunt. If you refer to Andrew as a flat, Rose, I 
must protest. Andrew is not a flat, either mentally 
or physically ; indeed, respecting wits — as men go — I 
call him rather sharp. 

Rose. I wasn't referring to Andrew, but he is a 
flat all the same to go and land us in one. 

Aunt. Moderate your language, my dear ; you 
are not expressing yourself with grammatical pre- 
cision. What you imply is that my dear nephew 
made a mistake in establishing himself in a flat. 
There I quite agree with you. I always set my face 
against his doing so, but when a man's in love he 
turns a deaf ear to the voice of, shall we say, 
wisdom. (Sits, r. c.) 

Rose. Oh ! say what you like, it makes no dif- 
ference ; here I am landed with a flat, and no servant 
will remain. Barker's gone now. 

Aunt. Barker's gone, has she ? Ah, I knew 
how it would be. That woman was bent upon attract- 
ing the attention of the butcher, and she found it 
impossible to do so down the speaking tube. 

Rose. Well, Aunt, you must admit it's heavy 
work flirting down a tube. So risque too ; how does 
one know what sort of creature is responding at the 
other end ? 

Aunt. Rose, I am astonished. Your light tone 
in speaking of these really serious errors shocks my 
finer sensibilities. But let it pass, tears will not 
mend matters. Barker's gone ! The question now 
is, who shall cook the dinner ? 

Rose. I shan't try. Andrew is so insulting to my 
cooking. He said that if he ate the things I made 
we should be put to the expense of a funeral, and 
that it is cheaper to dine at a restaurant. 

Aunt. " If we don't at first succeed, try, try 
again." 



THE IRON ANN. 9 

Rose. I will not try after being insulted. He 
played football with my plum pudding, and cut the 
omelet with a hatchet. 

Aunt. Dear, dear, that was hard ! 

Rose. Yes, I thought it hard after all my labour, 
so now he may cook his own dinner or picnic in the 
larder. 

Enter Jimmy (l.). Please, Missus, a man am been 
at de pipe ? 

Aunt. To what pipe does the youth refer ? 

Jimmy. De call out pipe, Miss Habbijams. 

Rose. He means the speaking tube. Well, who 
is it, and what does he want ? 

Jimmy. It bin de greens, Missus. 

Aunt. If you mean the greengrocer, say so, boy, 
and be more explicit. 

Rose. If he has brought the fruit, put it in the 
larder, and don't bother me every time a tradesman 
calls. 

Jimmy. I say — " put him in de larders " — he 
says — I not speak plain English." 

Aunt. There I quite agree with the man, and 
that's everything ; you must go down for the fruit. 

Jimmy. Please, Miss Habbijams, I can't get down 
de tube after tea. (Pals himself.) I pour hot water 
down to make it plain. 

Rose. Well, you are an idiot, Jimmy. 

Jimmy. Dat am what de gross greens says — he 
speak plain English and go home. 

Rose. You can go — go — (Jimmy hesitates.) Go 
at once. (Exit Jimmy.) 

Aunt. The youth appears to be only half witted ; 
dear ! dear ! not only black, but unpolished. 

Rose. He uses enough soap to polish a brigade ; 
oh, these servants ! What a Paradise life would be 
without housemaids, cooks or generals ! 

Aunt. If you are thinking of Eden, my dear 
Rose, I must remind you that our ancestors were 
vegetarians, and lived in the open air. 

* 



10 THE IRON ANN. 

Enter Duffy (l. cheerfully). Well, wifee ! (Kisses 
Rose and throws newspaper on table, c.) Well, 
Aunt Amelia, and how are you ? (Aunt rises, he 
kisses her also.) So pleased to see you in this friendly 
way. Rose, dear, I've asked Dr. Hogg to drop in 
to dinner. 

Rose (shortly). There's no dinner. (Aunt sits on 
sofa, r.) 

Duffy. No dinner, my dear Rose ; what a feeble 
joke. I'm particularly peckish this evening. I've 
done a hard day's work and earned my meal ; what 
have we got ? 

Rose. Nothing. 

Duffy. Nothing ? 

Rose. Barker's gone. 

Duffy. Gone ! has the dinner gone with 
her ? 

Aunt. The fact is, my dear nephew, there has 
been a slight domestic disturbance, which I always 
anticipated. However, we will soon set matters 
right ; at present, poor Rose is upset. 

Duffy. There, darling, don't fret What a 

pest these servants are. (Sits, R.c.) 

Rose. It all comes of marrying a flat. 

Duffy. Thank you, Rose, you put it in a con- 
cise and pleasing form ; you know very well you 
wished for a flat; you said yourself we can look 
smart on less in a flat. A general servant and a 
black buttons will do all the work between them in a 
flat, By the bye, where is Jimmy, why doesn't he 
lay the table ? (Rings bell violently.) 

Aunt. If I might suggest, Andrew 

Duffy (pacing the room). Suggestions don't 
satisfy a hungry man, Aunt Amelia ; what is woman 
worth if she can't feed him ? 

Rose. I knew it would come to this : men are 
merely animals, they think more of their dinner and 
less of their manners every day. 

Aunt (aside). Oh dear ! oh dear ! they are going 



THE IRON ANN. 11 

to quarrel. (Aloud.) " Birds in their little nests 
agree." 

Duffy. Hang the birds. I want my dinner. 
(Enter Jimmy l, stands at door grinning.) Where's 
the dinner ? 

Jimmy. In de larder. 

Duffy. Bring it in at once, and lay the table 
for four. Sharp's the word. 

Jimmy. De pig am raw. 

Duffy. What pig ? 

Jimmy. Him what come to dinner. 

Duffy. How dare you make jokes of my guests' 
names ? 

Rose. He doesn't mean Dr. Hogg, he means the 
pork. 

Duffy. Pork ! I'm very partial to pork — go 
and cook it at once, you grinning idiot. 

Jimmy. Yas, Sare. (Exit l.) 

Duffy (shouting). Jimmy don't forget the apple 
sauce. 

Jimmy (returning). I not forget de sauce, Sare. 
(Exit L.) 

Rose (running to door). Jimmy ! 

Jimmy (returning). Yas, Missus. 

Rose. Can you make pancakes ? 

Jimmy. De pan aches, yas, Missus, I make de 
pan ache. 

Aunt. I doubt if he comprehends your mean- 
ing. 

Duffy. Never mind, don't let us waste time, get 
along, try. 

Jimmy. Yas, Sare. (Exit l.) 

Duffy. Of course, if I could have relied upon my 
wife's superintendence in the kitchen, Hogg's diges- 
tion would not be on my conscience to-morrow. As 
it is — well, he's a doctor himself, he ought to know 
what to eat, and what to avoid. 

Rose (at window a). Your insinuations are cruel 
and unmanly. I did not marry you in order, to be- 



12 THE IRON ANN. 

come a mere kitchen maid and household drudge. I 
have a soul above the stewpot, and if that was your 
object in marriage, why then it is a failure. (Weeps.) 

Duffy (sits l.c, his back to Rose, reads newspaper). 

Aunt (going to Rose). Dear ! dear ! this is most 
unfortunate on his birthday. Hush, Rosey posey, 
come and rest upon this sofa and let me bathe your 
head with eau-de-cologne. That is always so sooth- 
ing. (Gets bottle from side table.) Andrew, will you 
support your dear wifee ? 

Duffy. Eh ! support her ! Haven't I been slav- 
ing to support her all day ? now I need supporting 
myself. Look at that. (Points at table.) 

Rose. No, Aunt Amelia, don't touch me, don't 
pity me. I will go to my own room. 

Aunt (leads off Rose looking reproachfully at her 
nephew). Oh, Andrew ! oh, Andrew, where is your 
heart ? (Exeunt R.) 

Duffy. Pish ! what a fuss. I cannot and will 
not put up with this state of things any longer. 
Surely some lucky fate made me buy this paper in- 
stead of my usual Evening News, and here, staring 
me in the face is this advertisement. It might have 
fallen from the clouds for my express benefit. (Reads. ) 
" The Iron Ann. A Mechanical Domestic — um — 
um." Saves Sixty Pounds, " a day's work " — yes — 
yes ! (reads) " no followers — newly married couple " — 
the cap fits, wear it. (Reads) " Sauce and Stuffing, 
Sole Agents " — Sauce and Stuffing. It's the very 
thing we want to rid us once and for ever of all domes- 
tic worries. I shall then be called at the proper 
time ; the meals will be punctual, the waiting will be 
prompt and silent, there can be no feeble excuses 
made by a machine, nor can there be all that irritating 
and useless gossip with tradesmen. I shall go right 
off at once and bring it back in time to wait upon 
Dr. Hogg. " The Iron Ann " will beat all his scienti- 
fic inventions hollow. But stay, I don't know that 



THE IRON ANN. 13 

it would be well to try the experiment in Hogg's 
presence for the first time. I'll drop a line and post- 
pone his visit for a day or two. (Sits at table and 
writes.) The only difficulty is the price, 75 guineas, 
rather stiff. Still, once purchased it is as economical 
as a bicycle, mine is a treasure to me ; it can't break 
its knees at a fence or eat its head off in the stable ; 
(closes note and rings) and what I've saved in cabs, 
trains and omnibus fares would almost found a 
hospital for incurables. Jimmy, Jimmy ! 

Enter Jimmy (l., feeding). Yas, Sare ! 

Duffy. Take this note to Dr. Hogg. 

Jimmy. Too late, Sare. I roast him quite dead. 

Duffy. Ah ! of course you're head cook and 
bottle washer combined, I forgot that. I will leave 
it myself — stay — tell your mistress that I've gone 
out on a matter of business, but shall be back in 
time for dinner. 

Jimmy. Yas, Sare, you'll be back when dinner am 
in time. 

Duffy. Don't repeat my words, you're not ex- 
pected to talk ; do your work and hold your tongue. 

Jimmy. De tongue what am for breakfast, Sare, 
or de tongue what am inside of myself ? 

Duffy. Eh ! what ! how dare you eat in my 
presence ; get out and finish your tea in the kitchen. 
(Jimmy going.) Come back there. Mind you have 
dinner ready. (Jimmy stands in doorway holding 
his own tongue.) Lay the table for three only. Don't 
stand there grinning, get out of this. (Exit Jimmy.) 
It's perfectly impossible to train a nigger, they make 
fools of themselves on every occasion. I'll give him 
the sack when I get my mechanical domestic. 
75 guineas, that's nasty ! no matter. I'll get it 
out of Aunt Amelia, she offered me a birthday 
present. Happy thought, that settles the question. 
(Exit L.) 

Enter Jimmy (l. with butler's tray and stand, which 
he places down left). I bin having a good old tuck 



14 THE IRON ANN. 

in, I bin — me can cook, oh my ! just see de pig am 
roastin' ; de taters am boilin' ; de panaches am friz ; 
de apples am stew. I make de sauce for goose, 
which am de goose, me or de master ? Why him 
what gets most stuffin' — myself — inside of me. (Pats 
his chest.) 

Enter Aunt Amelia (r.). Jimmy, where is your 
master ? 

Jimmy. Him gone out ter dinner, Miss Habbijams. 

Aunt. Gone out to dinner ! What is the meaning 
of that ? 

Jimmy. Master says business don't matter no how, 
and I'm to hold my tongue. 

Aunt (sitting down suddenly r.). This is serious. 
Andrew is being driven from his happy home ; driven 
from his happy home by a mere question of digestion. 
Are you sure those were his words, Jimmy ? 

Jimmy (feeding at tray l., his back to Aunt Amelia). 
Dem was his words, don't stand grinnin'. Hold 
yer tongue inside of yerself, and set de table for 
two. 

Aunt. Ah ! Implying that he did not wish us to 
know his change of plans. (Aside.) He has gone 
to some horrid music hall with that bad Dr. Hogg. 
I always doubted that man's friendship. 

Enter Rose (r.). Where is Andrew ? 

Aunt. Don't ask, darling. Jimmy, leave the room. 
Oh, my poor dear Rose, troubles never come alone. 
Jimmy, leave the room. 

Jimmy (aside). Ain't I put de fat in de fire ? 
(Exit l.) 

Rose. What do you mean, Auntie ? 

Aunt (rises). Sit on this chair, dear, lean your 
head back and let me fan you. 

Rose (going l.). I'd rather not. I must see 
about the dinner. 

Aunt. Never mind the dinner. We shall want 
no dinner. (Rose turns to Aunt.) Oh, my Rosebud, 
prepare yourself for the worst. 



THE IRON ANN. 15 

Rose. If you don't tell me instantly, Aunt 
Amelia, I shall scream. 

Aunt. Do, it will relieve your feelings. 

Rose (screams in an unnatural manner, standing c). 

Enter Jimmy (l. hurriedly with a bottle). Is it de 
bottle you scream for ? I bin brought de ketchup. 

Rose (collapses on sofa r.). 

Aunt. Go away, Jimmy ; my poor injured girl 

Jimmy. You bin scream for de bottle. 

Aunt (to Rose). Let me break it to you. 

Jimmy. Which pot am dis put in ? 

Aunt. Leave the room, Jimmy. I can't attend to 
you. (Exit Jimmy l.) Now, dearest, can you bear 
it ? 

Rose. No, no, I can't bear it. 

Aunt. Try to, my precious, we women must 
fortify ourselves to endure the fickle moods of man. 

Rose (sitting up). If you refer to Andrew, Aunt 
Amelia, I think it exceedingly bad taste on your 
part 

Enter Jimmy (l. with a tin box). Please, Missus, 
what am de peppercorns to do ? Sit in de pan aches 
or run round wid de apple sauce ? 

Rose. I'm sure I -don't care. What a bother 
you are. 

Jimmy. De peppercorns am de bother, Missus, dem 
nebber answer my questions. 

Aunt. James, leave the room, we do not require 
your presence. 

Rose. Go away, do, you stupid boy. 

Jimmy. Shall de peppercorns stick in de pig ? 

Rose. Do as you please, we don't care. 

Jimmy (aside). De pig shall get 'em. (Exit l.) 

Aunt. Don't give way, Rose. Be a true woman, 
try to face the worst. Andrew's gone 

Rose (shrieking). Gone ! (Rises.) Gone ! ! 
Gone ! ! ! 

Aunt. Hush ! hush ! darling, remember others, 
you are not the only flat. 



16 THE IRON ANN. 

Rose. I am a deserted woman. (Weeps on sofa.) 

Enter Jimmy (l. with paper packet). Dis here curry 
powder, I have mix it in de custards, dem don't take it 
well. Look berry green. Oh my ! (Exit L.) 

Aunt. Hear me out, dearest. I should have said, 
gone out to dinner. 

Rose. Is that all. So much the better. 

Aunt (sits beside Rose). I am glad to see you take 
it so well, darling, but I must caution you against this 
Dr. Hogg ; a scientific man always appears to me dan- 
gerous. You never know what sort of theory, 'ology 
or 'ography he may take up next ; and one never 
knows where these 'ologies or 'ographies may lead. 
In this case, I believe they have led to a common 
music hall. 

Rose (rises). A music hall ! never ! I cannot 
picture my husband at a music hall. No ! I refuse 
to believe any such thing. (Rose paces the room.) 

Aunt (following Rose to and fro). My dear, calm 
yourself. Remember, that the fault rests on your 
own shoulders. You ignored the fact that your 
husband was hungry. A man's appetite is not to be 
tampered with. Dinner before devotion is a very 
useful motto. Dinner before devotion ! 

Rose. Devotion, indeed, that is at an end. 

Aunt. We all have our weak points, my dear. 
(Noise without ; both pause.) What was that ? 

Rose. I shall be told it was the cat. (Opens door 
L., calls) Jimmy ! Jimmy ! 

Jimmy (without). Comin', Missus. (Noise con- 
tinues. ) 

Aunt. What alarming sounds. 

Enter Jimmy (l., saucepan in hand). 

Aunt. What is all this disturbance ? 

Rose. Don't say it is the cat. No cat would 
produce sounds like that. 

Jimmy. It bin master come home. 

Rose. There ! I knew he would never desert me 
for a nasty low music hall. 



THE IRON ANN. 17 

Aunt. But why these heavy sounds ? 

Jimmy. He bringin' her up de stairs. 

Aunt. Her ! you mean him, boy. 

Jimmy. Master said her. 

Aunt. This is serious. Rose, darling, keep calm. 

Duffy (calls without). Jimmy ! Jimmy ! 

Jimmy ! Yas, sare, comin'. 

Duffy (without). Lend a hand, she's a dead weight. 
(Exit Jimmy l.) 

Aunt (promptly shuts the door and stands in front). 
No, Rose, dear, I cannot allow you to hear another 
word. I must inquire into this first. 

Rose. Nonsense, Aunt, it's only Dr. Hogg, he's 
always heavy. 

Aunt. But not incapable, as a rule. I have my 
suspicions. Let me persuade you to retire to your 
room. 

Rose. (Certainly not — such nonsense ! 

(A heavy weight bangs against the door). 

Duffy (calls without). Open the door, please. 

Aunt. One moment. My dear Rose, his voice 
sounds unsteady. 

Rose. Really, Aunt, let me pass. I will see what 
it is. (Removes her Aunt, opens the door. Enter 
Duffy and Jimmy, staggering beneath the weight of 
the Iron Ann done up in brown paper ; they prop the 
parcel against the wall r.) What have you got, 
Andrew ? Where have you been, whatever is it ? 
Do say something. 

Duffy (exhausted on sofa). Brandy, Rose, brandy. 

Aunt. That is what I feared. 

Rose (gets brandy from side table, gives Andrew 
some in tumbler). You seem quite done up ; whatever 
is the thing ? 

Aunt. It looks like a drain pipe. 

Jimmy. Oh, my, she am a weight. 

Aunt. She again ! 



18 THE IRON ANN. 

Duffy (holds out tumbler half full). Thanks, I'm 
better. 

Jimmy (takes tumbler and finishes the brandy). Me 
better ! 

Duffy. The fact is, Rose, it's a surprise for you. 

Aunt.' Ah ! Jimmy, bring in the dinner, and we 
will face it. 

Jimmy. There ain't no dinner, Missus, the cat's 
been and eat de pig and dem panaches. 

Rose. The old tale of the cat. 

Jimmy. I bin tie up him tail in de larders, Missus. 

Aunt. You're a wicked, cruel boy. I will see to 
this, Rose, my dear, and inquire for myself whether 
we can rely on this youth's accuracy. 

Jtmmy. You can't go into de larders, Missus, ain't 
safe. 

Aunt. Oh, tut, tut. (Exit l.) 

Duffy (to Jimmy). Will you go. Get out. (Exit 
Jimmy l.) 

Rose (sits l.c). Aunt Amelia has been so horrid, 
Andrew. I shall not tell you what she said, at least 
not at present ; but do unwrap your parcel. I'm 
dying to know what the surprise can be. 

Duffy. Let me get my breath, dear, and then I 
will explain, but you must call Aunt Amelia. As a 
matter of fact, although I call it my surprise, I look 
to her to pay for it. 

Rose. Of course she'll do that with pleasure ; what 
are godmothers for ? 

Duffy. Precisely ! but this is a heavy item and 
she may shirk it ; we must be diplomatic. Call her. 

Rose (running to door l.). All right! (Calls.) 
Auntie, Aunt Amelia, come and see the surprise. 

Duffy. Rose ! Rose, be cautious. 

Rose. Yes, I know. Aunt Amelia, here's a present 
for me, and such a surprise for you. (Exit l.) 

Duffy. She'll put her foot in it as sure as my 
name's Duffy. (Rises.) I'm rather afraid even now 
that I've been rash ; supposing Aunt Amelia refuses 



THE IRON ANN. 19 

to pay. I shall have this heavy weight hanging round 
my neck (kicks parcel) ; 75 guineas would go a long way 
towards my trip to Paris, but there, of course she 
won't refuse. 

(Enter Rose l. bringing Aunt, both talking excitedly.) 

Aunt. That entirely depends if the present meets 
with my approval. 

Duffy (aside). She's let the cat out of the bag 
already. (Aloud.) Well, Aunt, now for our little 
surprise. Supposing you both sit down while I 
unpack it. Got a knife anywhere ? 

Rose. Here are scissors, let me cut the string. 

Duffy. No, wait a moment. I think I ought to 
prepare you, you might be a little startled. 

Rose. Oh, bother ! 

Aunt (sits l.c). Prepare us by all means, Andrew. 
I feel that it is necessary. There have been insinua- 
tions respecting that parcel ; but I will say no more. 

Duffy. My dear Aunt, you are under some 
delusion, the parcel is a present for Rose. 

Rose. Yes, a surprise for you, Aunt Amelia, at 
least — that is (Examines label on parcel.) 

Duffy. Do be cautious, Rose. (Laughs nervously.) 
You know, Aunt, you were so kind as to offer me my 
choice of a birthday present, and to — er, spare no ex- 
pense. (Looks at Aunt for a response, which she does 
not give.) You are always so kind, so liberal, dear 
Aunt Amelia, that I have ventured to make my choice 
without first consulting you. (Again pauses for his 
Aunt to speak ; she folds her hands and shuts her eyes.) 
In our domestic difficulties I felt there was no time 
to be lost if we were to save the happiness of home. 

Aunt (sings, shaking her head). " Sweet Home." 
"Be it ever so humble there's no-0-0 place like 
Home." 

Duffy. Quite so, Aunt Amelia, quite so. (Aside.) 
Be quiet, Rose. (Aloud.) Well, to come to the 



20 THE IRON ANN. 

point, I chanced to buy this newspaper and my eye 
fell upon a very remarkable advertisement. May I 
read it ? (Sits behind table c.) 

Rose. Oh, do untie the parcel first, Andrew. 
What is the use of all this preamble. 

Aunt. My dear Rose, allow Andrew to make his 
confession in his own way ; we are all attention. 

Duffy (aside). Confession ! I don't like that 
word, it bodes ill for the 75 guineas. (Aloud.) Have 
patience, Rose, I wish to prepare you. 

Rose. But you are not preparing me by being 
so mysterious. I feel so excited and nervous, I can't 
keep still. 

Duffy. Do sit down and listen, Rose. This will 
explain everything. (Rose sits on so/a r., Andrew 
clears his throat and reads from newspaper. ) ' ' The Iron 
Ann." " A Mechanical Domestic. The most marvel- 
lous invention of the age " — 

Aunt. Stop a moment. Let me clearly under- 
stand. Are you reading a tract or a penny novelette ? 

Duffy. Good gracious, Aunt, it's an advertisement 
for a new invention — " The Iron Ann." 

Aunt. " The Iron Ann," indeed. I've heard of 
an ironclad. 

Rose. Is the Ann clad, Andrew ? 

Aunt. My dear ! let us hope so. Proceed, 
Andrew. 

Duffy (reads). " The most marvellous invention 
of the age — wonderful success in America and Colonies. 
■ — (The Aunt begins to dose.) Saves sixty pounds 
per annum in wages and food. When once set in 
motion this economical servant will perform a day's 
work without wages, temper, beef, or beer. ' ' ( Thumps 
table.) 

Aunt (half asleep). Quite so ! (Rose plays with 
the strings on parcel.) 

Duffy (reads). " The Iron Ann has never been 
known to indulge." 

Aunt. Ah ! That's unusual. (Dozes.) 



THE IRON ANN. 21 

Duffy (reads). " Requires no Sundays out, no 
Christmas boxes, no bank holidays, and above all has 
no followers." 

Aunt. That's everything ! (Dozes.) 

Duffy (reads). " Her appearance is prepossessing, 

being at once amiable yet dignified " Rose, are 

you attending ? 

Rose. I'm bored to death ; do untie the parcel. 

Duffy. How childish you are. Have you under- 
stood a word of what I have been reading ? 

Rose. No ! I couldn't understand, so I gave up 
listening. 

Duffy (looking from Aunt to Rose). Really, you 
women are the most aggravating 

Rose. I won't be called a woman. 

Duffy. Child, then. Aunt — Aunt Amelia. 

Aunt (waking). Very interesting, indeed. Pray, go 
on. 

Duffy. Listen to this, both of you. (Reads.) 
" We advise all newly married couples to make their 
purchase at once, and thereby avoid those domestic 
jars, which too often undermine the peace and happi- 
ness of an earthly Paradise. Price seventy-five 
guineas. Sauce and Stuffing, sole agents. London, 
E.C." There, what do you think of that ? " 

Rose. Splendid, and so you've bought one. 

Aunt. Don't believe a word of it, and the price is 
outrageous. 

Duffy. My dear Aunt, not if you look at the thing 
in its right light. 

Rose. Which I mean to do ; so now I will untie 
it, Andrew. (Rose kneels and cuts the string.) 

Duffy (whispering). Did you let the cat out of the 
bag, Rose ? 

(The Aunt reads newspaper.) 

Rose. What cat ? 

Duffy (whispers). You've done it, the old lady 
has cut up rusty. Gently. (Reads label.) ' ' This side 
up with care." 



22 THE IRON ANN. 

Aunt. Have you got this er — person in that drain 
pipe, Andrew ? 

Duffy. Yes, Aunt, brought it with me in a four- 
wheeler ; thought we had better have the Ann to wait 
at dinner. Rose, I advise you to stand a little further 
off, before I take off the cover. It looks better at a 
distance. 

Rose. Now, Andrew, lift the veil. I am longing to 
see its real nature. 

Duffy. I doubt if it has a nature ; that is one of 
its attraction. 

Aunt. Decidedly ! Pray don't use the term 
" Nature," it is generally the prelude to a severe 
moral shock. 

Rose. Now, Andrew, one, two, three, off ! Unveil 
this modern Galatea ! 

Duffy (removes the covering. The Iron Ann stands 
rigid against the wall ; arms stiff, toes turned in). 
Behold ! There's nothing to be afraid of. It's not 
alive, remember. (Both ladies scream and hide their 
faces.) 

Rose (peeping). What an awful creature ! 

Aunt. It doesn't even look respectable. 

Duffy. Well, I admit that its appearance is not 
so prepossessing as the advertisement would lead 
one to expect. 

Rose. No, indeed ! what stories people publish. 
How could we digest our food, if such a ghastly 
creature were waiting upon us ; and as to answering 
the front door bell, it would give all our visitors a 
fit to see such an object. Oh, Andrew, I am bitterly 
disappointed. 

Duffy (endeavours to put the machine straight). 
You are so impatient, Rose ; wait till you've seen the 
Ann in action. 

Aunt. I beg that you will spare us that infliction. 
We have already seen too much. Rose, dear, the 
smelling salts, if you please. 

Rose. Dear Auntie, I am sorry you feel faint. 



THE IRON ANN. 23 

Aunt. Sick, child, sick ! 

Rose (fanning the Aunt with a newspaper). Put 
the cap straight, Andrew, and can't you make it 
stand up ? 

Aunt. It looks as though it had been drinking, and 
that is what I anticipated from the noise outside. 

Duffy (finding the machine immovable). Confound 
the thing ! 

Aunt (rising). What did I hear ? Am I com- 
pelled to leave the room ? 

Duffy. I beg your pardon, Aunt. (Aunt sits 

L.C.) 

Rose (going to machine). Look here ! Why 
don't you follow the instructions ? They are clear 
enough. (Tears off and reads the instructions which 
are attached to the Ann's apron bib.) " Directions for 
use " — " Wind the Iron Ann under the left arm the 
last thing at night, then lay her in a cool dry place, 
covering from dust or damp. She will resume her 
duties at six o'clock the following morning." 

Duffy. Look here, you wind while I support the 
machine. 

Aunt. Not in my presence, Andrew. I cannot 
permit such a thing, I do not believe a word of the 
instructions. This person has never done a stroke of 
work in her life, I am convinced ; she is evidently one 
of the idle poor, and will have to go on the parish. 
It all comes out of our pockets. 

Duffy (aside). I hope it does. (Aloud.) Now, 
Rose, here's the key, begin to wind under the left 
arm, while I hold it up. Now ! 

Rose. It's very stiff ; do you think it wants oiling ? 

Duffy. No ! no ! go on. I'm getting paralyzed 
with the effort of supporting her weight. 

Aunt. It appears to me quite improper, for a 
gentleman to hold up his domestic servant, while the 
lady of the house winds her up, every evening. 

Duffy. We can't stick at trifles, Auntie. Begin, 
Rose. 



24 THE IRON ANN. 

Rose {winds the Ann). This is no trifle, but it's 
stuck — ar there ! (Noise of wheels being wound, 
the Ann raises one arm, and fixes a glaring eye on 
Andrew.) Good gracious ! it's alive. (Rose darts 
to window c.) 

Aunt. Another shock, and I shall have a stroke. 

Duffy (continues winding). Don't be frightened. 
There's nothing whatever to fear, I assure you. I 
don't understand why it doesn't start at once, it did in 
the shop. I do hope it's not got damaged in the 
four-wheeler. 

Aunt. I wish, indeed, it had been. 

Rose (reading from instructions). It says, " If im- 
mediate action is required, shake the Ann gently, 
but firmly." Try that, but let me get away first. 

Duffy (shakes machine). Ah ! Of course, I had 
quite forgotten that part of the business. (The Ann 
repeats previous noise.) That's all right. (The Ann 
crosses the room with long strides.) Now it's off ! 
(One arm extended and flattens its nose against the 
opposite wall L.) 

Duffy (a). Well, anyhow, it's started. Now 
isn't that the march of science ? 

Rose. It may be, but I hate the creature. 

Duffy. You are very absurd, to make such a fuss. 
Bother the thing, it's stuck. I shall have to shake it 
again. 

Aunt. Before you do so, Andrew, allow me 
to screen myself behind the sofa. I'm all of a 
tremble. 

Rose. I will come with you, Auntie. (They get 
behind sofa.) Don't be nervous, it's only a machine, 
you know. 

Duffy (shakes the Ann and turns it round). Now 
then. (The Ann marches to window c. and violently 
pulls up the blind. Ladies scream and cling to- 
gether.) 

Duffy (triumphantly). Hah ! Hah ! Now we've 
set it to work, you see. 



THE IRON ANN. 25 

Enter Jimmy l., stands with open mouth. (The Ann 
charges at him. J immy howls and flies from the room, 
followed by the Ann.) 

Aunt. What a relief ! 

Rose. I'm not sure about its being a relief, how 
about my china and glass ? I can't trust that in the 
hands of an iron monster. (Jimmy howls without.) 
It's doing something dreadful in the kitchen. An- 
drew, stop laughing. You must go after the creature 
and speak to it. 

Duffy. That's your place, my dear, you are 
mistress. I would not poach on your preserves for 
worlds. 

Rose. You know very well, I am afraid to leave 
the room, how horrid you are ! (The Ann returns 
abruptly, thumps door, sets down hot water can and 
boots just inside.) (Exit L.) 

Rose. We don't want these things now ; do speak 
to it, Andrew. 

Duffy. Can't you see what a success the inven- 
tion is ! it begins its work at six o'clock in the morn- 
ing, draws up the blind, brings boots and hot water. 

Rose. We don't want to be called at that un- 
earthly hour, and we shall never get our dinner, if 
it has to go through a day's work first. 

Duffy. Don't argue ; here she comes. 

(Enter the Ann l. with duster and broom, sweeps, 
charging at peoples' legs. The ladies jump upon the 
chairs. Andrew dances before the broom.) 

Duffy. This is remarkably inconvenient. Look 
here, I say ! (The Ann causes him to sit on the sofa.) 
It is no use to argue with a machine. 

Rose (on chair). I haven't even engaged its ser- 
vices ; we are bowled over with energy whether we 
like it or not, 



26 THE IRON ANN. 

(Enter Jimmy l. with tablecloth, etc. The Ann runs 
broom at his legs and knocks him down, dusts him upon 
the floor. Jimmy howls. The Ann dusts furniture, 
ladies' feet and Andrew's head ; lays cloth upon 
Andrew's head and exit l., walking over Jimmy, 
who crawls out l.) 

Rose (gets off chair, removes cloth from Andrew's 
head to table c). Gone ! Look here, Andrew. I 
will not stand meekly by while this impertinent 
creature knocks you about, it is simply unbearable. 

Aunt. Andrew, help me down, please. The time 
has arrived for me to speak. I was not consulted as 
to this purchase, Andrew. (Both ladies buttonhole 
Andrew and bring him down c.) 

Rose. Nor was I. 

Aunt. Let me speak. I should never have con- 
sented to waste 75 guineas upon an experiment which 
is not only startling but humiliating in its details to er 
— our — such as it is. 

Rose. And absolutely hideous. 

Aunt. Disreputable in appearance. 

Rose. Odious in manners. 

Duffy. You have not seen half. 

Aunt. We do not wish to see the other half. We 
have received no sort of character with the er — young 
person. 

Rose. We don't even know her surname. 

Aunt. Nor her capabilities. 

Rose. Nor her age. 

Aunt. We have had no opportunity for a few 
private words with regard to little matters. 

Rose. Which men don't understand. 

Duffy. You are talking sheer nonsense ; the thing 
is not a human being. 

Rose and Aunt (together). We can see that. 

Rose. It is simply an abomination. 

Aunt. An invention of evil which I feel it my duty 
to suppress. 



THE IROX ANN. 27 

Enter the Ann carrying basket of knives and forks, 
and lays table noisily , bowling to and fro from butler's 
tray, etc. Jimmy enters l. and sneaks under the table 
unperceived.) 

Aunt. Let me get away from that tornado. 
(Goes r.) 

Duffy. Anyhow, we shall get a meal, that's some 
consolation. 

Rose. It really is a clever invention, but oh, how 
repelling ! 

Duffy. Come, this looks like business, let us take 
our seats. Aunt, will you sit here ? (Offers seat at 
table r.) 

(The Ann rushes from room L. taking small tray.) 

Aunt. I wish to speak to the young person first ; 
if you can get her to stand still, there are several 
questions I should like to ask. 

Duffy. Oh, do let us have something to eat. I'm 
dying for my dinner. (Sits L.) 

(The Ann enters with tray bearing coffee pot, eggs, 
toast and covered dish.) 

Rose. But the creature has laid the table for 
breakfast ; look here, coffee, eggs, toast, how annoy- 
ing ! 

Aunt. Rose, dear, not so loud, the young person 
will overhear. (Sits at table r.) Oh, my nerves : 
(The Ann rushes from room L.) There, she's gone. 
In her absence I must remind you that it is Plebeian 
to show astonishment. Let us take everything as a 
matter of course. 

(Jimmy lifts table cloth so that his face is visible to the 
audience. Rose sits behind table c.) 

Buffy (lifts dish cover). I am only too thankful 
to take any course that comes. Bacon, Aunt ? 
May I help you ? 



28 THE IRON ANN. 

Aunt. Thanks, no, not at this hour — an egg, if 
you please. 

Rose. I call this rather a lark : let us call it 
high tea. How about Dr. Hogg ? 

Duffy. I postponed his visit until to-morrow. 
Bacon, dear ? It seems rather dried up. 

Aunt. No wonder when cooked by a machine ; 
the egg is hard boiled. 

Duffy (kicks Jimmy, who makes a grimace). I beg 
your pardon, Aunt, did I kick you ? 

Aunt. Not at all, my dear. I should certainly 
have mentioned it. You seem to have a very large 
footstool under the table. (Puts her feet on Jimmy's 
back.) 

Rose (pouring out coffee). Coffee, Aunt ? Coffee, 
Andrew ? I'm quite enjoying myself. 

Jimmy (aside). I ain't in de joyment. 

(Enter the Ann with small tub, which she places on 
butler's tray.) 

Rose. What is the creature going to do now, I 
wonder ? 

Aunt. Hush, Rose, don't wonder ; take it all for 

granted. (Cracks her egg.) 

(The Ann comes behind Andrew and whips off his plate 
leaving him holding knife and fork in the air.) 

Duffy. Hullo ! here, I say, bring that back. I 
haven't half finished. (The Ann puts plate in tub.) 
Look here, hold hard, Ann. 

Aunt. Andrew ! Andrew ! Pray, be cautious. 
(The Ann darts at Aunt's egg, removes that and coffee 
cup to tub.) How exceedingly rude ! 

Rose (laughing with cup in hand). This is too 
funny. (The Ann seizes the cup from her hand and 
puts it in tub.) Oh, my coffee ! I've not done. 
Andrew, you must speak to this woman. {The 
Ann rapidly clears the table, putting everything in 
the tub.) 



THE IRON ANN. 29 

Duffy (clinging to the toast rack). No, you don't 
get that. 

(The Iron Ann struggles with Andrew, gets the rack, 
toast falls on floor and is eaten by Jimmy under the 
table). 

Duffy. What a brute this woman is. I've 
scarcely had a mouthful. She's worse than a foreign 
waiter. (Rises, goes r.) 

Rose. I do think you might speak to the nasty 
thing and assert your authority. 

Aunt. Hush, my dear, no doubt the young person 
feels she is doing her duty. 

Rose. I wish we could make her feel anything at 
all. You've often said you would (the Ann washes 
up at butler's tray) be master in your own house, 
Andrew, and now you are under the rule of a mechani- 
cal domestic. 

Aunt. I've often heard of an ironclad being 
under the control of a man, but never, no, never 
before, did I see a man so completely under the con- 
trol of an Iron Ann. 

Duffy (feebly). We must let a machine do the 
work in its own way ; you cannot tamper with science, 
it will all come right in time. 

Rose (rising). Well, I mean to be mistress, any- 
how, and if you will not speak to the creature, I 
must do so myself. (Goes to Ann.) 

Duffy (at window.) I wish you every success ; you 
might just as well speak to the kitchen boiler. 

Rose (to Ann with dignity). As you are entering 
into my service, Ann, I must lay down a few rules 
which I expect you to obey. For instance, I cannot 
have you washing up in the sitting-room, nor can I 
allow you to rush in and out without knocking. 

Aunt. When we want you we shall ring, and we 
cannot be hurried in our repast, it does not conduce 
to comfortable digestion. {Kicks Jimmy under 
table.) 



30 THE IRON ANN. 

Duffy (laughs). Digestion ! I've eaten nothing 
to digest. 

Jimmy (aside). I bin eatin', and de jest am how to 
get in more, oh lor ! 

Rose. I must also ask a few questions as to your 
cooking : can you make pastry, whip cream, etc. ? 

Jimmy (aside). Sorry for de cream. 

Rose. Have you a light hand for cakes ? 

Duffy. That is an obviously ridiculous question, 
Rose ; you are wasting your breath. 

Aunt (rises and goes to Ann). And another very 
important rule is that no followers are allowed. 

Rose. I don't think we need worry ourselves on 
that score, Aunt Amelia. 

Duffy. The fellow must be hard up, who would 
follow the Iron Ann. (The Ann suddenly lifts tub 
and bowls past Rose, spinning her round.) 

Rose. What shocking manners ! (Retires to win- 
dow c. with Aunt and Andrew talking apart). 

(Enter the Ann with crumb brush, goes to table, 
sweeps the air, hits Jimmy on the head, he howls. 
All turn round sharply.) 

Duffy. What was that ? 

Aunt. I told you so, it's a human being in dis- 
guise. 

Duffy. I expect it was only a screw loose. I must 
examine the Ann. 

Aunt. What ! Let me beg, Andrew, that you 
will do no such thing. 

Rose. It's easier said than done. First, catch 
your Ann ! 

(The Ann folds cloth, whisking it in Andrew's face 
as he approaches, puts it on butler's tray, and carries 
it outL., followed by Duffy.) 

Aunt (sits on sofa). Of one thing I am quite re- 



THE IRON ANN. 31 

solved. I am not going to throw away 75 guineas on 
this disagreeable and insulting object. If Andrew 
chooses to waste his own money, well and good, he 
must forego his summer holiday. 

Rose. Oh, Auntie, you cannot mean that, we had 
planned such a lovely holiday. 

Aunt. I mean what I say, Rose. My money shall 
go to worthier objects : there are the poor dear niggers 
to clothe, and the poor dear idiots to entertain with 
lantern slides — (a crash without). 

Rose. What has happened ? (Rushes out l.) 

Jimmy (aside). Thank my stars, I'm not in dat 
smash up. 

(Enter the Ann with toilet things, places them on 
table. Jimmy peeps from underneath. Ann stretches 
across and washes his face. Jimmy howls and shows 
himself.) 

Aunt (rises). You bad boy, what are you doing 
there ? You deserve a severe punishment ; don't you 
know how wrong it is to listen to private conversa- 
tion, you naughty false (The Ann rushes at 

Aunt, hits her down r. of table. Puts toilet cape 
round her shoulders, removes her cap with false front, 
and attempts to brush her back hair. Aunt struggles 
and screams wildly.) 

Jimmy (dances with joy and waves the cap in air). 
Oh my ! what a surprise ! Which am naughty and 
false now ? (Enter Duffy with umbrella.) 

Duffy. My dear Aunt, whatever is the matter ? 
(Jimmy throws down the cap on table and goes up r.) 

Aunt. My cap ! my cap ! Rose, my cap ! (Puts 
chair cover over her head.) Enter Rose (l. in tears). 

Rose. Dear Aunt Amelia, come to my room ; we 
are both being insulted by man and beast. (Exeunt R. ) 

Duffy (fronting the Ann with umbrella l). Out of 
this you go. I will not be bullied by a machine, 
Jimmy, you push on that side. 



32 THE IRON ANN. 

Jimmy. All right, sare, I get de poker. 
Duffy. No, no, don't hit it, you'll damage the 
works. Now then, push ! — push ! 

(The Ann endeavours to get at Andrew's head with 
brush and comb. Duffy defends himself with the 
umbrella. J immy pushes behind. The A nn suddenly 
turns upon Jimmy and lugs him out of the room by 
his head howling. Exeunt L.) 



Duffy (shuts the door and locks it). This is awful. 
I never was more battered in my life. Midnight 
revels at school were peaceful compared with this. I 
must return the machine to Sauce and Stuffing at 
once. But how ? that's the question. It's done no 
end of damage in the kitchen ; broken the window, 
smashed the breakfast service, and scalded my legs. 
Rose declares it was my own fault, because I got in 
the way. Dash it ! How is one to get out of the 
way ? It's like an American whirlwind, sweeping 
everything before it. (Listens at door.) Jimmy is 
catching it hot outside ; well, do him good. I shan't 
interfere. Hope to goodness Sauce and Stuffing 
will make no objection to taking the thing back. 
I'd almost give them a five pound note to take it off 
my. hands. (Enter Rose r.) 

Rose. Has it gone ? 

Duffy. I wish it would go ; we shall be- had up 
for murder if it doesn't. 

Rose (listening at door). Oh, Andrew ! it is 
killing Jimmy ! 

Duffy. Sounds like it. 

Rose. And you can stand there unmoved. 

Duffy. She'll cook him for dinner. Another 
surprise. (Enter Aunt r. agitated.) 

Aunt. What are these dreadful sounds I hear ? 

Rose. The Ann is killing Jimmy. Andrew has 
ordered him for dinner ; oh, Aunt Amelia, do inter- 
fere, 



THE IRON ANN. 33 

Aunt. I am shocked ! My own nephew turned 
cannibal. This comes of keeping a man waiting for 
his dinner. 

Rose (crying). I can't eat any Jimmy for dinner, 
however he is cooked. I was fond of him in spite of 
his colour. (More howls without.) 

Aunt. Andrew, it is your duty to prevent 
this. 

Duffy (a). My dear Aunt, a nigger is very 
tough. 

Aunt. That is no reason why you should make 
him into mincemeat. 

Rose. It is cowardly of you to stand there, Andrew, 
while your own Buttons is being roasted. (Heavy 
thump at door.) Lock the door, it's coming; put 
something in front. (Brings a chair.) 

Aunt. Oh dear, oh dear ! let me get away. 
(Exit r.) 

Rose. Andrew, do help me with this table ; we 
must keep the creature out, cost what it may. (Pushes 
table in front, thumps without.) It's knocking ! 
You see it was some use speaking. I told it to 
knock before coming in. Perhaps Jimmy is in the 
oven ; oh ! Andrew, isn't it a horrible thought ? 

Duffy (sits calmly on sofa). Yes, women have a 
talent for tragedy. I should never have entertained 
such a revolting idea myself. 

Rose. Why ? you told the Ann to cook him ! 

Duffy. Pure invention on your part. I merely 
said it would do him good. 

Rose. I hope you are sorry you bought the nasty 
thing. Aunt Amelia says she won't pay a farthing 
of its price after the insults that have been heaped 
upon her head. 

Duffy. Heaped upon it ! Taken off her head, you 
mean. (Laughs.) It was awfully funny ! 

Rose. So like a man to laugh. If she hears you 
she'll cut you out of her will. There is nothing a 
woman resents so much as losing her hair. 



34 THE IRON ANN. 

Duffy. If Sauce and Stuffing refuse to take 
back this beast, I shall lose my trip to Paris. 

Rose. Paris ! not Paris, you mean Scarborough. 

Duffy. Ah ! that is in the dim future ; I was 
saving up for a run to Paris with Dr. Hogg. 

Rose. With Dr. Hogg ! without me ? I never 
heard of such treachery. Paris without your wife ? 

Duffy. It's only a fool who goes to Paris with 
her. 

Rose. Then I insist upon your playing the fool 
for once in your life. I will cheerfully give up Scar- 
borough for Paris, and we can look round for my 
winter furs. I've been saving up for a sealskin. 
(Sits beside Andrew on sofa.) 

Duffy. Glad to hear it, you can help me towards 
the 75 guineas. You must give up the sealskin. 

Rose. Indeed, I will not. The Ann was your 
present, you can't expect me to pay for your surprise. 
You must give up Paris ; we will economize at Heme 
Bay. (Sounds at window.) 

Duffy (looks round uncertain where sounds come 
from). Beastly place ! 

Rose. It's very healthy, and will do you far 
more good than racketing about with Dr. Hogg. 

Duffy. Hang health ! I must have some mental 
interest. (The window is opened from outside and 
Jimmy looks in.) It's you, is it ? 

Jimmy (in agony). Oh, Sare ! oh, Missus ! I'll 
nebber do it no more. Take de debbil away. She 
am makin' hash of my cold legs outside. 

Duffy. Come inside. (Goes to window.) Oh, I 
see, the Ann has hold of you. I must shut the 
window. 

Jimmy. No, no, massa — bring in de legs first. 

Rose (rises). Poor, poor Jimmy. Andrew, let 
him in. (The Ann's head appears above Jimmy's.) 
It's coming ! Shut the window at once — at once, 
quick ! 

Jimmy (takes a flying leap into the room and kneels 



THE IRON ANN. 35 

at Duffy's feet). Save me, Sare, I nebber eat de 
pig again : oh, my ! I'm roll into tartlets. I am 
whipped for custards, I am roastin' for pigs, chopped 
up small for de mince pies. Yas, Sare, I have been 
cookin' ; oh my ! ain't it hot. You see me sarve up 
at all de courses. Jimmy pie ! Jimmy toast ! 
Jimmy all tapioca. 

(The Ann glares through window, and puts one foot 
inside.) 

Rose. Shield me, Andrew, it's getting in ; oh ! do 
be a hero and shut the window. (Clings to Andrew's 
neck.) 

Jimmy (clings to Andrew's knees). Be Nero, 
Sare ! Be Nero ! 

Duffy (a). How can I be anything if you hang 
on ? 

(The Ann comes through window waving kitchen 
chopper and rolling pin. Jimmy crawls behind sofa. 
Rose screams and flics off stage r. Andrew pulls 
away the furniture from door L. The Ann pulls 
him back by his coat tails and forces him into a 
chair l.c.) 

Duffy. I will not sit down, I will be obeyed. 
(Struggles with Ann.) I will be master in my own 
house. 

(The Ann sits down deliberately on Andrew's knees 
and begins to darn socks out of work basket.) 

Duffy (struggles. The Ann immovable). Get up, 
you thing ! Flesh and blood won't bear this. 

Jimmy. Aint massa enjoyin' hisself ? (Goes to 
door r., calls.) Missus, you're wanted, quick ! 

Duffy. Shut up, you idiot. Call the police, can't 
you. I shall die in a minute. Enter Rose (r.) 

Rose. This is too much ! The creature is 



30 THE IRON ANN. 

making love to my husband. Aunt Amelia, come 
and protect me. 

(Enter Aunt r., breathless and speechless, stands 
gesticulating. Rose weeps on her shoulder. The 
Ann clings round Duffy's neck.) 

Jimmy (calls out of window a). Murders! Bobby ! 
Murders ! 

Duffy. I'm being murdered. 

Rose (calls at window). Murder ! 

Aunt. Fire ! 

Duffy. Police ! 

Jimmy (at door left). Murders ! Fire ! Bobbies ! 
Fire ! 

(Andrew struggles to his feet, pushing the Ann r. 
The works begin to run down, arms stiffen, toes turn 
in, and the Ann falls back rigid against the wall R.) 

Duffy. Hurrah ! The wheels have run down. 
Now is the time to get rid of it. Jimmy, lend a hand. 

Aunt (l.). Are you quite sure that it is not 
merely faint, poor thing ? 

Rose. Poor thing, indeed ! It's we who are poor. 
Get it out of the flat, Andrew, for fear it should recover. 
(Goes to Aunt l.) 

Jimmy (looking out of window a). De bobby am 
comin' to take her in charge. 

Duffy. We will send her down in the lift to meet 
him; they can have it out at the bottom. 

(Takes off his coat, and with Jimmy carries off the 
Ann, who remains rigid. Exeunt l.) 

Rose (embracing Aunt). Kiss me, Auntie, let us 
be happy once again. I will cook the dinner my- 
self. 

Aunt. Dear, sweet, forgiving Rosebud. (Embrace 
again.) Enter Duffy. 



THE IRON ANN. 37 

Duffy (mops his brow with handkerchief). Well, 
that's over ; you won't catch me investing in another 
mechanical domestic. 

(Rose helps Andrew on with his coat.) 

Duffy (sits a). Poor Jimmy, I sent him down 
in the lift with the Ann : he was in terror lest she 
should begin to work on the way ; but her weight 
ran them down in no time, and the policeman took her 
in charge at the bottom. 

Rose. What a relief ! 

Aunt. Quite so ! I am convinced that person's 
proper place is the " lock up." 

(Enter Jimmy with a blue envelope on hand tray.) 

Duffy. Well, has the bobby walked her off ? 

Jimmy. De bobby says, sare, he ain't 'sponsible 
for any imitations. If dat Ann ain't real human 
body he can't walk her off nohow. 

Duffy. Hang it all ! where is she, then ? 

Jimmy. In de lift, which am broke, and won't 
come up stairs no more. (Hands bill to Duffy.) 

Rose. Oh, Andrew, we shall have to pay for that 
damage, too. Is that the bill ? 

Duffy (reads address on envelope.) " Miss Hab- 
bijam." This is for you, Aunt. (To Jimmy.) Give 
this to Miss Habbijam. 

(Jimmy hands bill to Aunt Amelia, who sits on 
sofa, puts on her spectacles, and slowly opens it. 

Rose. Has the policeman gone, Jimmy ? 

Jimmy. Yas, Missus ; says he must get furder 
orders from de four quarters. 

Duffy. Head quarters, boy ! Head quarters. 

Rose. Oh, dear ! the law's delay as usual. One 
comfort is the Ann can't walk upstairs, even if she 
does recover. 



38 THE IRON ANN. 

Aunt (murmurs to herself). Seventy-eight pounds 
fifteen shillings. I object to the fifteen shillings. 

Rose (taking Andrew up stage). It is the bill, 
Andrew. How could you have the face to give it to 
poor Aunt Amelia after all she has suffered! 

Duffy. My dear Rose, I understand the old lady, 
she is my godmother, not yours. If a man of my 
age doesn't understand his own relations it's a pity. 
(Comes down to Aunt, who still murmurs.) Can I help 
you in your calculations, Aunt ? 

Aunt. Thanks, no. I was considering how many 
niggers I could clothe for fifteen shillings. (Calcu- 
lates on her fingers.) 

Duffy. Well, Aunt, they don't as a rule spend 
much on dress. What do you think, Jimmy ? How 
many niggers could be clothed for fifteen shillings ? 

Jimmy. Dat 'pends on de climate, Sare. 

Aunt. I did not ask for Jimmy's opinion. .The 
question is, who shall suffer for the folly of others : 
the niggers, the idiots, or myself ? 

Rose (r.). Dear Auntie, we could not allow you 
to surfer for the sake of others. 

Duffy. No indeed, Aunt, the idiots must pay 
their own expenses. 

Aunt (rises and hands bill to Andrew). In that 
case, my nephew, perhaps you will settle this ac- 
count. 

Duffy (takes bill, turns to Rose, both gaze at it, then 
at each other, the Aunt watching). No summer trips 
this year; even Heme Bay is out of the question. 

Rose. It all comes of marrying a flat ! 

Aunt (takes back the bill). Give it to me. Perhaps 
" Sauce and Stuffing " will let us off the fifteen 
shillings. (Goes c.) Bless you, my children ! I 
will settle the account myself. 

Rose (embracing Aunt). You dear generous 
Auntie ! 

Duffy (embracing Aunt). Aunt Amelia, you're 
a brick ! 



THE IRON ANN. 



39 



Jimmy (dances on table and spreads his arms over 
their heads). Bless dem childers ! Three cheers for 
Aunt Habbijams ! Hip ! Hip ! Hurrah ! 



CURTAIN. 
Jimmy on table. 



Rose 
r. 



Aunt. 
c. 



Duffy, 
l. 




DRAWING ROOM, 




Oniv Rcpi iu che large size, the t>aca scene is la feec long and y teet uigii aiiu ex- 
tends with the Wings and Borders to 20 feet long and 11 J feet high. In the centre 
Is a French window, leading down to the ground, On the left wing is a fireplace 
with mirror above, and on the right wing is an oil painting. The whole scene is 
tastefully ornamented and beautifully coloured, forming a most elegant picture. 
The above is a representation of a box scene consisting of 38 sheets of paper, 
the extra sheets being used for the doors each side. 

£ s. d. 
Back Scene, Border, and 1 Set of Wings, unmounted ... ..200 

Ditto, mounted 4 4 

Back Scene, Border, with 2 Sets of Wings as above to form Box 

Scene, unmounted 2 10 

Ditto, mounted u M 5 5 



COTTAGE 




One copy del. to Cat. Div. 



3 is a door 1. ading outside, 
intre is a window. On th« 
». The above is a repre^en- 
ox Scene), but a Box Scene 
, Prices and size same as 



1AM 2 191 



FRENCH'S ACTING EDITION-7 LIBRft RY OF CONGRESS 



VOLUME 150 
12:16 The Dentist 

2237 Taken for Granted 

2238 Just as Well 

2239 Hogmany 
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'2241 A Doctor's Engage- 
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2213 My Milliner's Bill, Is. 

2244 My Aunt from Cali- 

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2245 His Life for Hers 

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2249 Woman Triumphant 
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VOLUME 151 
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My First Client 
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Honeymoon Tragedy 
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Hal, the Highwayman 
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Ninth Waltz 
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VOLUME 152 
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'Op-o'-Me-Thumb 
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Sturge 



2251 
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2266 
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2270 



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2273 Workbox 

2274 Two on a 

2275 Bridget's 

2276 That Bru 

2277 Well Mat 

2278 Maker of Men 

2279 Gutter of Time 

2280 Game of Chess 



VOEUME 153 

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2283 Colour Sergeant 

2284 Helpless Couple 

2285 First Aid to the 

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2286 Correct Tiling 

2287 Their New Paying 

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2289 Salt of Life 

2290 Time is Money 

2291 Wally and the Widow 

2292 Deceitful Miss Smiths 

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2294 Up-to-date 

2295 Bit of Old Chelsea 

VOLUME 154 

2296 Wrong Side of the 

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2297 The Open Door 

2298 Prima Donna (Pem- 

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2299 Lights Out(Pemt>erton) 

2300 Mirror of Time 

2301 Three Blind Mice 

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2302 Privy Council 

2303 Snowed up with a 

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014 432 667 2 £ 



artb 
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2310 Uncle Dick's Darling 

VOLUME 155 

2311 That Horrid Major 

2312 Bardwell v. Pickwick 

2313 House of Nightingah 

2314 Turtle Doves [d< 

2315 Superior Miss Pellen- 

2316 His Good Genius 

2317 Martha Plays the Fail 

2318 Dumb Cake 

2319 Proposing by Proxy 

2320 Phoenix 

2321 Boatswain's Mate 

2322 Final Rehearsal 

2323 Two Aunts at a Time 

2324 Nelson Touch 

2325 Convict on the Heart 

VOLUME 156 

2326 Grey Parrot 

2327 Ghost of Jerry Bundl 

2328 Bishop's Candlestick 

2329 Peacemaker 

2330 Changeling 

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2332 Pride of Regiment 

2333 "1588" 

2334 Man on the Kerb 

2335 O'Dowd 

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2339 Old Martha Is. 

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